I’ve been spiraling in victimhood and old patterns… until my coach Barbara Huson called me out in our group call yesterday:
“Amna, don’t give me that. You know better. This is not happening to you. These are choices you are making.”
I felt my inner resistance as I opened myself to her words and saw the truth in them.
How did I get here again?
That question led me into the deeper layers of our call. What unfolded next felt like a mirror. I saw myself in each woman. In their celebrations and their struggles.
In their stories, I found profound gems I want to share with you, with the deep knowing that at least one of them will land exactly where you need it.
Here are the powerful lessons that emerged:
1. “Am I Waiting for the Outside World to Change, So I Can Change?”
Absolutely! I found myself saying when one woman asked this question aloud.
She shared how, like me, she believed her anxiety and dysregulated nervous system were caused by stressful situations or difficult people. And while this can be true, I saw my deeper pattern: I had shaped my home, schedule, and surroundings to support the state I longed to live in; but when life got loud again with deadlines, demands, and less support, I lost touch with that state and blamed the world outside, clinging to the illusion that peace would return after things calmed down.
Instead of drawing on my inner resources during chaos (the unwavering truths, daily rituals, and self-regulation practices I had worked so hard to embody), I blamed the external circumstances.
Instead of deepening my practice, I abandoned it.
Why?
Because the truth was harder to face (or rather, too unpracticed to trust): the truth that perfect conditions don’t create the desired state. The real proof of growth isn’t in how I show up when things are easy, but in whether I stay aligned with my inner work when life feels out of control.
When we blame our circumstances for how we’re reacting, we’re playing victim. This role is such a familiar pattern within my ancestral legacy that I didn’t even see it taking over until this wonderfully wise woman reflected it back to me in that question.
2. “Change the Way You Look at Things, and the Things You Look at Change”
Wayne Dyer’s words came alive through a woman who shared her experience of having her bank account hit zero for the first time in years. Rather than panicking, she changed her energy and perspective on “zero.”
Zero became new beginnings. Nothing to lose.
She reminded us there are six zeros in a million dollars.
She started celebrating the zero instead of being crushed by it. To her amazement (or perhaps not), she soon received more and more “zeros” – projects she got contracted for, first-class flights she was taking.
Through her story, I could see how I’ve let the “zeros” in my life shame and depress me, and how I can choose to see them differently.
If she can shift her perspective, so can I.
3. Only Have Time for a 5-Minute Meditation? Do a 1-Hour One!
This caught me off guard. Until now, I’d believed that a 3-minute meditation is better than no meditation… which is still true.
But this insight from one of the attendees revealed something deeper: when my mind insists I don’t have five minutes to meditate, that’s the clearest sign I need at least thirty.
It’s like a warning sign signaling that my internal volcano might erupt any second that day (unless I fill my cup first).
4. “We Don’t Need to Be Saved. We Need to Be Loved.”
A participant shared her feelings about a loved one who is incredibly sick. Barbara responded with a vulnerable story about her own struggles with embracing loved ones in pain. She’s learning to bow to the pain of others rather than trying to fix it. Instead of saving them, she’s simply loving them through it.
That landed deeply.
It made me realize how often I try to “help” others in ways that look generous on the surface… offering to find my cousin an internship, sending a helpful book the moment someone shares a struggle.
But when these gestures begin to consume my energy or compromise my well-being, it’s no longer kindness. It’s control. It’s actually called High-Functioning Codependence: an attempt to manage the discomfort of others so we can feel safe.
Recognizing this shifted something in me.
I heard a soft whisper: “Amna, you don’t need to help everyone. You just need to love them.”
Immediately I felt the weight of that responsibility begin to lift.
Later that day, I also shared this insight with my husband by communicating a personal need with a lot more clarity:
“When I’m spiraling in anxiety or darkness, I don’t need to be rescued. I just need to feel loved.”
5. “I Know, I Know” vs. Deep Knowing
When giving support to another woman in our call, someone spoke up and shared: “I heard you say ‘I know, I know’ over and over again. I want you to try to get out of your head. Take your shoes off and go outside. Walk in nature so you can ground yourself. I’m sure the answers you’re looking for will come as you go deeper into your heart (versus your mind) and listen.”
She wasn’t even talking to me, yet she said exactly what I needed to hear.
And guess what I did as soon as the call ended?
I took off my shoes and walked in our garden, feeling the earth beneath my feet and the peace rising from within.
6. “I No Longer Need Kudos from Others to Feel Validated”
A powerful woman shared how she used to crave validation and accolades for her hard work, both professionally and as a wife. Now, she no longer needs external approval. She approaches all her work with the knowing that she is enough and her work is valuable.
As I heard her share this, I thought, “GOALS!”
And this perfectly highlighted one of the root causes of my current stress and anxiety:
I’ve attached my personal value to the perceived value of my work.
Everything has to be perfect, even if that means drinking coffee day and night, sacrificing sleep, or skipping meals just to keep up.
Her words reminded me that my relationship to my work doesn’t have to look like this. And this realization gave me the courage to start cutting the cords between self-worth and achievement.
It’s only been a day, but I already feel more playful and free.
The Power of Women in Community
What I experienced in this women’s meeting was transformative.
There’s something sacred about being in the presence of women who speak their truth. It reveals parts of yourself you didn’t even know were hiding.
In the safe embrace of compassionate community, their stories and reflections became mirrors, showing me my own patterns with tenderness and clarity:
- The well-rehearsed narrative of victimhood
- The ruthless inner critic that confuses “zeros” as my value
- The lie that abandoning ourselves leads to greater productivity
- The unhealthy need to save others and do all the things
- The shield of logic versus the compass of trust
- The unconscious addiction to external validation
This collective wisdom helped me reconnect with my authentic power.
I now see that I can play and have fun even with big deadlines and minimal support.
I can:
- Let go
- Delegate
- Expect mistakes AND expect solutions
Perhaps most importantly, I recognized a deeper truth while offering advice to another woman on the call. I said, “I tell my students all the time that I don’t care if they mess up. I only care about their joy.”
Barbara gently reflected back that the advice we give is often the advice we need.
She couldn’t have been more right.
Somewhere along the way, I stopped choosing joy and slipped back into old patterns of chasing perfection at all costs.
In trying to get it all “right”, I forgot the very thing I teach: joy is the point.
What patterns are you ready to break free from?
What new perspectives might transform your challenges into opportunities?
How can you create space for honest connection with women who speak truth, share openly, and help you see yourself more clearly?
