1. How to regulate when you’re receiving negative feedback or criticism

Criticism can feel like danger because your nervous system may interpret it as rejection, humiliation, or a threat to your identity.

That’s why even useful feedback can sting.

Your body instinctively wants to defend, explain, attack, collapse, or prove the other person wrong.

Even if the feedback is only about one specific thing—like a project for work or a decision you made—your nervous system can turn it into something much bigger:

The other person shares feedback about your project, and you digest it as, “What if I’m not good enough?”

Here’s what to do to regulate your nervous system:

1. Do not respond immediately.
2. Take one slow breath and silently remind yourself of one thing: “This is information, it’s not my identity.”
3. Then ask yourself:
   • “What part of this is useful?”
   • “What part of this is noise?”
   • “What can I learn without attacking myself?”
4. If you need time to regulate, say, “Let me think about that.” It gives your nervous system room to settle before your ego takes over.

EXAMPLE 1:
Your boss criticizes your work. Your boss says, “This isn’t as strong as I expected.” Your stomach drops, and you immediately think, “He/she thinks I’m incompetent.”

• Regulate first: Silently remind yourself that: “This is information. This is not my identity.”
• Then ask: “What specifically would make it stronger?”

EXAMPLE 2:
Someone criticizes your parenting. A family member says, “You’re too soft on your kids.” You feel judged and defensive.

• Regulate first: Pause before responding. Say to yourself: “They’re just commenting on one thing they observed. This doesn’t define me as a parent.”
• Then respond with one of the following:
  • “I hear you. I’ll think about that.”
  • Or, if you sense that condescending jackass energy some people walk around with, simply say: “I’m not looking for parenting advice right now.”

Feedback is data, it doesn’t define you.

Remind yourself of that on a regular basis.