10. How to use setbacks as stepping stones to success

It was a hot day in Southern California, and I was sitting in the kitchen of our apartment, trying to figure out the whole “start your own business doing what you love” thing. We didn’t have enough space for a home office, so there I was, using our kitchen table as a work desk.

Only a handful of months earlier, I’d quit my corporate job, thinking I had more than enough saved up to hold us over while I figured out how to make my new business succeed.

Then, all of a sudden, it happened…

The electricity went out.

The lights went out.

The AC went out.

And it all happened because the money ran out.

Aside from quitting my corporate job, I had also just gotten married. So now, I didn’t just need to support myself, but my wife as well.

So, there I was, face-to-face with one of the biggest setbacks of my life, sitting there wondering about the choices that led to that moment…

What was I going to do?

Was I going to bury my face in my hands and start crying and wishing I’d never tried at all?

Or was I going to learn from the situation and use it as fuel to turn it all around?

Well, I did a little bit of both…

My heart sank when the lights went out, because I knew it was my own fault.

I thought about all the months I’d spent working so hard, trying and trying, and it felt like it was all for nothing.

As I let that sink in, all my emotions came to the surface, and I began weeping like a child. Uncontrollably.

It felt like each tear that streamed down my face represented the many months of fear, nervousness, anxiety, and uncertainty I had experienced trying to figure out how to make my new business work….

And that’s when I remembered something crucial: I could CHOOSE how I was going to handle this situation.

I could allow it to break me, which meant I’d have to give up on my dreams.

Or, I could use the pain I was experiencing as fuel… I could learn from this setback. I could study it and course-correct my way to success.

I chose the latter…

I resolved to look at every failure and mistake as an opportunity to learn and get a little better.

Less than a year after the electricity went out, business picked up in a major way.

My articles, podcasts, and books began making noise in the self-development world, and I started getting booked for speaking engagements.

Then, my book summaries and audiobooks started taking off, and that turned into a successful business of its own. Companies started hitting me up about delivering training workshops for them.

My hard work was finally beginning to pay off.

Fast forward 13 years, and I couldn’t be more grateful for that hot summer day when the electricity got shut off. It was a reality check, and it taught me that behind every story of success, there’s an equally fascinating story of struggle.

I remind myself of this story often, because it keeps me humble and connected to my purpose, which is to help as many people as I possibly can to improve their lives and achieve their goals.

Recently, I was organizing my old journals, and I came across the notebook I was using on that fateful day when the lights went out.

Inside, I had written a note to my future self, which said:

“REMEMBER THIS DAY, DEAN. You will be grateful for it. After you become a superstar, after you help millions of people, and after you make your millions, REMIND YOURSELF OF THE DAY YOU COULDN’T PAY THE F***ING ELECTRIC BILL.” (Please look past the silly “superstar” comment and the f-bomb.)

Reading that note got me misty-eyed.

But this time, they were tears of joy and gratitude.

Every defeat is an opportunity to develop.

The difference between those who succeed and those who fail often comes down to how they respond to setbacks and even tragedies.

People who fail at meeting their goals tend to let defeat discourage them from trying again. They’re unable or unwilling to use their experience to grow.

People who succeed can evaluate their defeat without letting it consume them. They study what went wrong, and then they bounce back and refuse to dwell… And eventually, their newfound knowledge and their prevailing positive attitude lead to success.

So, how can you apply this to your own life? How can you overcome your own setbacks?

Let’s look at some practical shifts you can make, beginning today…

Actionable insights

1. Study your setbacks. When you lose, fail, or fall short of your ambitions, think of them as learning opportunities. Here’s a fun way to look at it: rather than thinking of them as mistakes, think of them “mis-takes” – just like actors do… If they miss a take or forget their lines – it’s no problem. Just recalibrate and shoot another take.
2. Critique yourself. Have the courage to be your own constructive critic. Look at yourself objectively. What are your greatest strengths? Identify them, and lean into them. What are your weaknesses? Do they need to be corrected or improved upon in order for you to live the life you want to live? If so, work on them and improve.
3. Stop blaming luck. Don’t even believe in it. Research every setback you experience. Find out what went wrong and course-correct your approach until it goes right. Identify any gaps in your game and fill them. But never blame your circumstances on “bad luck.” Blaming luck never got anyone where they wanted to go.
4. Combine persistence with experimentation. Stay with your goals and ambitions, but don’t beat your head against a brick wall trying to meet them. Sometimes, the path we think we need to take to reach a goal isn’t going to get us there. For some people, coming to that realization is half the battle. When they realize that there are many ways to accomplish the same goal, their likelihood of success quintuples. So be persistent with your greatest goal, and at the same time, remember to try different approaches. Experiment your way to success.
5. Every setback comes with an opportunity. Look for it. The day my electricity went out could’ve gone completely differently, if I let my failure define me. I had two choices that day: succumb to the pressure and accept defeat, or learn from this moment and do better. I chose to learn and do better, and so can you. If you’re experiencing a setback, if you’re in the midst of a struggle right now, know that you’re not alone. Others have experienced unconscionable hardship and struggle as well, and they came out on top because of it. And so can you. Frame your failures as a good thing and remind yourself that there’s no strength without struggle—and keep going.

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